The sound of music

Like many Autistics I am both drawn to sensory input, and dislike like it. Depending on what it is it either makes feel wonderful, or makes me feel sick. To give you a idea I happen to very much like apples, but when I happen to try and eat one as I am watching tv or listening to a person talk once in a while I will get the I am eating glass feeling, which turns my stomach, and makes me crave less sensory input. As still with me in most cases means go hid.

Now what does this stuff have do with the sound of music? One of the sensory things that calm me is music mainly soft calm things, but in general most music at least helps. I remember when I was really little relatives after a meltdown would play music like Amy Grant’s I will carry you

This was one of the times she seemed to understand even if she did not know why, and truly what was causing these odd, and sometimes even scary reactions out of her young daughter. After these soft spoken mornings and evenings became a thing of the past I ended up searching for a way to recreate them myself. That feeling I got from soft blankets and sweet soft music. So I joined chorus, Orchestra, and listened to anything I could get my hands on.

I had a feeling if I just found the right combination of things I could find a way to fix those odd strange things I kept having, which I now know to be meltdowns, and shutdowns, and maybe even a burnout thrown in just for my own suffering. Well as much as I love the sound of music it didn’t work. My could not erase the fact I have meltdowns, nor could it do away with my shutdowns calm me down during either very much so.

And my burnout well that almost ended with me taking my own life, which is why I rarely talk about it.(If you think someone you know, or you is having a burnout get them the help they need, many will not be like me and lucky.

Music for as long as I can remember has been something that is, so much a part of me I don’t honestly know what I would do without it. Maybe I would simply bug everyone around me by singing? Actually that one sounds kind of fun. Maybe I should do this around the people who I enjoy my quiet non disruptive sitms? Actually I will not, but you get the point.

Music to me is a song that breaks my heart, makes feel alive, teachs me something, makes wonder who I can be, a song that makes feel as if my feet have left the ground…. And many many more. Music can and does make me feel anything and everything with just a few notes.

Sometimes I still dream of those quiet times though the soft sweet sound of Amy Grant saying that God would carry me, and my mother’s fingers running through my hair telling me in a quiet tone it would be okay, and nothing was going to hurt me. It means so much, and so little at the same time even in the same moments. I guess this is someone that shows even in my writing I am very much Autistic because truly I have no words for it.

The sound of music connects my past to my future, and in many ways has made who I am. I hope it also touches you.


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